Just when you thought it was safe…

Yesterday I took my 3-yr-old son to a birthday party for a friend’s daughter. I have to preface this story by telling you that this friend is openly bisexual and has a lot of both homo- and heterosexual friends. So I knew what I was getting into.

There were about 20 kids of various ages, ranging from 2 to 12. It was complete madness the entire afternoon. Mothers and fathers were constantly scanning rooms to see where their kids were and what they were doing that they weren’t supposed to. There was a bouncy house. Someone spilled juice in it. All the kids jumped in it and then ran around the backyard, collecting as much dirt as their sticky little bodies could attract.

It was that kind of party.

Tough Mudder

Kind of like Tough Mudder, but with juice.

Lunch was hamburgers, hotdogs, Fake-a-Roni & Cheez, chips and Capri Suns. When it was announced that the kids’ food was ready, there was a chaotic flurry of parents making plates of food, finding plastic forks, getting napkins, finding their kid(s), sitting them down, telling them to eat, telling them they HAVE to eat, reiterating “no more bouncy house until you eat something!”…that sort of thing. Complete pandemonium.

I was starving. After I got my dude (heretofore known as “G”) settled on a picnic sheet outside, I went back into the kitchen and noticed that there was one lone cheeseburger sitting on a plate on the counter.


"You know you're starving. You know you want me."

I love cheeseburgers. I may be part LOLCat. I have to stop myself from ordering cheeseburgers at restaurants that have other tasty food. It’s not that I’m a picky eater at all. I just LOVE them. Mmmmm…

I had been outside for a good 10 minutes, so I assumed the other adults had already grabbed something to eat and if I wanted a cheeseburger, I needed to claim one NOW. Without looking around, I grabbed a plate and a bun, snatched up the last cheeseburger and started pouring condiments on it.

I was so intent on getting my food and getting out of the way that I almost missed the conversation going on nearby. Suddenly, I realized that two lesbians were leaning against the countertop watching me and commenting on my cheeseburger. And not even in the euphemistic “her vagina is hanging out of her pants” way.

Deer In Headlights

"You mean...MY cheesebuger??"

I stopped, my food prepared, and looked up at them. They both started smiling and one said “You’d better lick that burger and claim it quick because I’m not sure which of us is going to steal it from you first.”

I laughed and mimed licking the bun but suddenly realized that NO OTHER ADULTS HAD FOOD. I was the only one. And I’d taken the last currently available cheeseburger.

“Uhh…I think I need to go outside,” I stammered. Their gaze never wavered and never quite lost that predatory look.

I fled outside where G was back in the bouncy house, and proceeded to eat my cheeseburger as fast as possible. I could feel eyes watching me. I glanced around furtively as I barely tasted but mostly inhaled my food. It pretty much sucked all the cheeseburger joy right out of the process.

So to get back at them, I left one bite worth of burger, walked into the kitchen and threw it in the trash.

Then I grabbed my kid and left before they could retaliate.

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