Water Wars

When I was a little kid, I loved the taste of liquid Children’s Tylenol. To make a long story short, one day my Dad found me crouched up under our propane grill, hidden by the cover, delightedly sipping on a mostly empty bottle of cherry-flavored acetaminophen.

Liquid Tylenol

Can you see the deliciousness? No? As an adult, neither can I.

Naturally, I was rushed to the emergency room where I was forced to swallow tiny paper cups of charcoal and copious amounts of tap water. I distinctly remember the feeling of my throat hurting (maybe from swallowing the charcoal?) and at the tender age of five I swore off drinking water FOREVER.

It used to be a losing battle to get me to drink water, even as an adult. I love juice, tea, kool-aid, etc but water was just gross. If I drank even a glass of water, I would get the same psychosomatic hurty sensation in my throat and wouldn’t be able to finish it.

Most people will tell you that bottled water has no taste so therefore it can’t “taste nasty”. Those people are WRONG. Bottled water can taste like utter crap and most of it does.

Observe:

Aquafina

“This well-known bottled water brand produced by PepsiCo is derived from a municipal source and goes through a purification process that uses charcoal filtration, reverse-osmosis, ozonination and other elements of the process. During purification, virtually all of the natural minerals are removed from the water, giving it a light, mellow taste.”

Translation: It’s purified tap water. Its “light, mellow taste” is reminiscent of dirt and heavy metals. In fact, there’s nothing “light” about it. It’s absolutely terrible.

Dasani

“Coca-Cola’s flagship purified bottled water brand is also derived from a municipal source and undergoes a reverse-osmosis-based purification process. However, Dasani® gets a blend of minerals added back after the purification process, giving it a crisp taste.”

Translation: More purified tap water. The taste is about as crisp as drinking out of your garden hose, but without the added benefit of algae and bacteria. Also, terrible.

Zephyrhills

Zephyrhills is tolerable. It still has an underlying “bad” taste to it, but it’s slight and if it’s cold enough, you don’t notice much. Plus it has the added benefit of being actual spring water rather than municipal water.

Evian

Evian is over-priced and doesn’t taste any better than Zephyrhills. It does make you look like a hoity-toity bitch when you carry the bottle around, though, so if that’s the look you’re going for and you can afford the extra change, don’t let me stop you.

Fiji Water

Now we’re talking! Fiji water actually comes from an aquifer on the island of Fiji and actually has very little taste at all. It is considerably more palatable than any of the other naturally-sourced waters, probably because it’s naturally infused with the essence of hibiscus flowers and ocean air. Still a bit pricey but you’re at least getting your money’s worth.

SmartWater

This is my new addiction, surprisingly enough. I am absolutely hooked on SmartWater. It contains “vapor-distilled water, calcium chloride and magnesium chloride and potassium bicarbonate (electrolyte sources*) *electrolytes added for taste” which sounds like it should taste exactly like public drinking fountain water, but IT DOESN’T. I can drink this stuff even after it’s been sitting in the heat of the car all weekend.

Plus, Jennifer Aniston.


(If Youtube is being a douchebag and not showing my embedded video, refresh the page and it will show up.
Y MUST U BE A DOUCHEBAG, YOUTUBE??!)

With all that said, all I really wanted to do was rant about how terrible Aquafina and Dasani are, and wonder why anyone drinks either of them.

Also, I think the SmartWater is working. Do I look smarter to you?

Smrt

Smrt!

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14 Responses to Water Wars

  1. Dana Strange says:

    Well, you look smarter to me just cause you aren’t sipping on a bottle of Tylenol to quench your thirst. And if this comes off sounding snide or superior, let me point out that my “snack” of choice as a toddler was Bayer Children’s Aspirin (and all their orange-y goodness) of which I ate an entire bottle. Talk about a HURTY sensation in the throat! Having a gastric tube shoved down your nose to pump the contents of your stomach out is just NOT something I recommend, no matter how good the aspirin tastes! :) Sticking to water is a better idea.

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  2. Nik says:

    In the last house I had, the only source of water was water I collected off the roof via the gutters and drainpipes into 2 large storage tanks. For drinking I ran it through a filter in the kitchen but not for the shower and bath. We used to tell guests that it was the best water in the world – pure, fresh New Zealand rainwater and they used to rave about how “fresh” it tasted. I never told them that once a month I had clean the slugs and mould out from the guttering! Personally, I thought the slugs and mould gave the water a unique and earthy but natural taste……

    Now isn’t it a con that Pepsi is selling filtered tap water? Perhaps, I should have marketed my water? “Fresh Rain Water from Middle Earth – Completely Free of Orcs…!”

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  3. Very smart. I personally like this newfangled water called “Tap Water”. I know, its out there. Comes from the sink and everything. Bizarre ;) Jumped over from Simple Dude, glad I did. Like your humor!

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  4. tgnp says:

    Nik, you absolutely should have marketed your water! Of course, then someone would get nosy and want to know how you perfected the taste and the secret would be out.

    Tex, glad to have you and thanks!

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  5. Simple Dude says:

    I have not had SmartWater before… but if it makes me smarter – i’m all over it.

    It’s funny.. sometimes alcohol makes me look just like that – as I stumbled into a cab I usually only have one eye open. Are you sure this water isn’t spiked?

    SD

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    • tgnp says:

      Whussst do you mean SPIKED? Mmm? ::falls over, rights herself:: I lurrrv yoo. We sssshould hang owt. No, SERIOUSHLY. I’m not evenn jokingk. Kay?

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  7. Sean says:

    Do you look smarter? Smarter than what? I will go with yes. And no.

    I absoLUTEly agree on the Dasani and Aquafina reviews. It’s blargh-tastic stuff. Fiji I like , but mostly ’cause of the square bottle! SmartWater, hmmm. I’ve had it, and it tastes like, umm, water really. So yeah, I’m sure it’s better :)

    I am lucky in that the tap water here in St. Louis is actually really really watery tasting. It’s not gross or too mineraly. It’s a helluva lot better than most of those bottled waters and pretty much free.

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  8. I loved liquid grape Benadryl. I hated cherry flavored stuff so that was my medicine flavor of choice. I guess I don’t have much of a palate for water. The only water I can tell a difference taste-wise is beach tap water, which is like bragging about knowing the difference between Cheetos and fresh fruit.

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  9. Brandon says:

    Smart water is the bomb.

    Oh, and referring back to the video, it’s JEN Aniston, not Jennifer.

    …want a giggle? I did a post on the same video a few months back. I pitted ‘Jen’ against another viral star, and saw who came out the champion. GO HERE to see for yourself.

    You friend and new fan (thanks, Simple Dude) – Brandon (@Ida_Homie)

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    • tgnp says:

      Yeah, I meant to reference the fact that she refers to herself as “Jen Aniston”, but forgot about it in my water-frenzy.

      Welcome to the madness!

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  10. Kahuna Phil says:

    I hate those people who go on about how healthy water is. That is utter crap. Water is a killer. One way or another, more people die from water related deaths than alcohol related deaths.

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  11. Edda says:

    Nice article. Its realy nice. Many information help me.

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