Some of you may be wondering what happened to Natalie. Well, Natalie is vacationing somewhere close to a chemical plant or a nuclear reactor or something, and is currently waiting to see what her new super-power/mutant ability is going to be.
However, you’re in luck because now I get to talk about Diana and Jim!
Diana recently moved to Texas and is temporarily staying at Natalie’s house. Diana is also deathly afraid of cockroaches. Also, there are a lot of cockroaches in the southern parts of the United States and as we all know, everything’s bigger in Texas.
I returned to my desk from lunch today and was greeted with the following suspense thriller.
(I have taken the liberty of combining 3 different IM conversations in order to properly convey the story as it occurred.)
Diana: What the f%&# am I supposed to do about 2 gigantic gross cockroaches upsidedown but kinda moving very very slowly in the kitchen? YOU NEVER GOT ME THAT VACUUM!
Jim: Terminate them with extreme prejudice.
Jim: Get a bowl… not a clear one… put it over them. Then slip a placemat or something similar underneath. Carry it outside or to the toilet. Release. They’d be too big for the vacuum anyway.
Diana: I think I can do the bowl thing, but i don’t know about the placemat thing.
Jim: Sure you can!
Diana: They are upside-down like they’re dead, but I know they’re not. Because they are slllloooowwwwwwly moving.
Jim: You are an independent woman! Strong! Awesome! Not afraid of stuff!
Diana: Yes, but. Cockroackes.
Diana: I can’t even type it right!
Jim: I have a bug phobia, like you. But you gotta suck it up and deal. DO IT!
Diana: Why are they upside down? Are they really dead? Maybe the cat was playing with them this morning.
Jim: Possibly. Did Natalie poison them?
Diana: She didn’t tell me they were there. I don’t know if there is bug poison around.
Jim: It’s Texas. They eat bug poison for breakfast.
Diana: NOT HELPING.
Diana: I’m pretty sure one is dead. The other one just waved at me though.
Diana: Can I put a bowl over it and get Natalie’s son to take care of it when he gets home?
Jim: Yeah, you can do that. They won’t get out. Unless they do, in which case they’ll be pissed.
Diana: I hate you.
Jim: I’m trying to help! Slip a glass over them, then something under the glass. Hold it there when you pick it up. You can do this, man! YOU ARE STRONG! YOU ARE CAPABLE!
Jim: (Careful, those things spit poison.)
Diana: GAH. The one that waved at me is moving more! I need a big boot or something.
Jim: Yeah, if you want to just kill them, slam a cookie sheet on top of them or something. Or a fry pan.
(Note to self: Never eat at Jim’s house.)
Diana: ick ick ick
Jim: Yeah, I don’t like to squish bugs.
Diana: I can’t do that. I am going to put something on top of it and make Natalie’s son take care of it.
Jim: Ok! Put a bowl over them and a big “CAUTION!” sign on it.
Christy (to Jim): You realize, if she manages to put a glass over the bug and something under it, and then somehow manages to pick it up, if it moves or scrabbles on the bottom thing at all, she’s going to throw it as far as she can, right?
Jim (to Christy): Well, yeah but then you’ll have an even better story.
Diana: I’M GONNA DIE!
Diana: It’s gonna eat me!
Christy: You are a strong woman!
Diana: Where is the damn cat??
Christy: Don’t look at it, but don’t look away either. DON’T LOOK IT IN THE EYE.
Diana: He keeps sitting up and waving at me!
Christy: “HEY! WELCOME TO TEXAS!”
Diana: He’s like, doing crunches to get fit!
Christy: You’re making ME all crawly. Where is it now?
Diana: First off, there are TWO.
Christy: Oh, you’re screwed.
Diana: Yeah, but one is dead. Hold on. I will video and send it to you for future generations.
Christy: BWAHAHAHA I love you.
Diana: This one is like “I’m still here hello!”
Christy: Do you have caution tape?
Diana: ACK IT’S WIGGLING EVEN MORE! I got a bowl.
Christy: Good! Is the bug on the floor? I mean, he’s not on the windowsill or something ridiculous, right?
Diana: No, he’s on the floor.
Christy: BOWL HIM!
(Several minutes pass.)
Christy: What’s happening now?? Are you okay???
Diana: I have a visual on it still. I am supposed to be making dinner tonight. Stuff is marinating, but I can’t get back in the kitchen!
Christy: HEEBY JEEBY CENTRAL MAN.
Diana: THE DEAD ONE MOVED LIKE AN INCH!
Christy: Hey, what’s it called when you subject someone to something that they fear for extended periods of time to numb them to it??
Diana: Exposure therapy.
Christy: Yeah! That’s it!
Diana: NOT GONNA WORK IN THIS INSTANCE. Oh lord. The dead one is totally alive. He was just sleeping.
Christy: You’re going to need a bigger bowl. You know what? Burn the house down. Just start over.
Diana: That’s pretty much the only option at this point.
Christy: Does Natalie have a shop vac or something?
Diana: I don’t know, but I have unleashed the kitties.
Christy: Oh, good thought!
Diana: (I guess burning the house down was my second option.)
Diana: Inigo is not a good killer cat. Fezzik riled up the “dead” one and it’s moving around the kitchen a LOT faster.
Christy: Oh dear.
Diana: I put a bowl on one and put a big book on top of it.
Christy: YAY! I’m so proud of you! Also, good thinking.
Diana: Yeah, with all the sit-ups he was doing he could totally bench the bowl.
Christy: So are you okay now?
Diana: Yes, Fezzik is chewing on the other one right now.
Christy: OH GROSS.
Diana: I KNOW.
Christy: I know he deserves lots of pets for his heroism, but GROSS MAN.
Diana: Yeah, no more kisses for him!