Getting Out of My Own Way

Apparently, I’m unable to do it.

Some of you who have read my posts in the past remember that I’m uniquely able to turn any situation into a catastrophe of sorts. Any hope of my “growing out of” this ability is dwindling rapidly.

Tuesday I went to lunch with two co-workers to a chicken wing buffet. This is a regular lunch spot for us because we don’t have to order our food and wait, and also because the wings are REALLY GOOD. Also, chicken wings are one of the comfort foods that don’t make me sick with the gluten-ing for some reason.

OMG so tasty.

OMG so tasty.

This particular day, I had loaded up my plate with wings and french fries, and was just sitting down on our booth’s bench seat when a chicken wing JUMPED off my plate and landed on the seat next to me where I promptly sat on it. Oh, and I was wearing light-colored pants. So I spent the rest of the afternoon at work walking around with dried wing sauce on one side of my butt. I made it through most of the afternoon before someone helpfully pointed out to me, “You know you sat in something, right?”

“Yup. It was a chicken wing.”

That’s really all that needs to be said at that point.

Later that afternoon, I had to run an errand that involved going into the mall. I decided I could handle being “that woman with the huge stain on her butt” because the store I needed to go to wasn’t too far in and I figured I could get in and out without incident.

Bless my heart.

I ran my errand and was trying to text my fiance’ as I was leaving the store. I was walking fairly quickly and didn’t realize that the store occupying the corner I was about to pass had built out a bit using floor-to-ceiling glass walls. So I walked right smack into the glass. And when I say I walked into it, I hit it hard enough that I literally bounced off and the entire wall went WAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOHWAOHWAOHWAOHWAOHWAOHWAOHWAOH.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!

Naturally, there were people everywhere, who all somehow managed to look completely occupied in other things while I blushed furiously and refused to make eye contact. I’m sure I startled every customer inside the store because I imagine the reverberation noise was infinitely worse INSIDE the store than outside. So not only was I “that woman with the huge stain on her butt” but I was “that woman with the huge stain on her butt that walked smack into a wall because she was texting on her phone”.

Fast forward to this morning. I was driving to work, in stop-and-go traffic. I had my Starbucks coffee (the brand is important to the story) and Pandora playing in the car. I reached down, picked up my coffee, somehow fumbled it and DROPPED IT INTO MY FLOORBOARD where it began to roll around like a toddler throwing an epic tantrum. The reason it’s important to note that it was Starbucks coffee is because the little drinky hole on the Starbucks cups is small, so only small splooshes of coffee were splattering around as I desperately tried to keep my eyes on the road and grab a cylindrical object full of sloshing liquid.

So much splosh.

So much splosh.

Have you ever tried to catch a bottle of water or soda after dropping it? Have you ever tried to catch one rolling around under your feet while riding a roller coaster? That’s what this was like. I did manage to grab it without spilling coffee ON me so thank heaven for small favors.

Then, today at lunch, I spilled salsa on myself. I’m sitting here typing this with 3 long, dry salsa stains running down the front of my white t-shirt.

Oh! Did I mention that last Friday I splashed gasoline all over my jeans and Chucks while filling up my car because whatever safety mechanism is supposed to keep the gas nozzle from dribbling gas while it’s “off” was broken? That happened too.

I am a walking nightmare. Can someone please just send me a case of Tide pens?

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2 Responses to Getting Out of My Own Way

  1. Just wear a smock.

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  2. Cider says:

    Coveralls. I vote coveralls. Because you could pull that off in a hot way, unlike a smock for Pete’s sake.

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